Happy Easter

Angelica Garing

It’s Easter. In fact, this is the 60th Easter I have passed on Earth, although I don'[t remember the first few. Or, for that matter a good selection of those that came after. However, Easter is an important time. It is the beginning of Spring, officially defined as the first full moon after the Spring Equinox and, perhaps more importantly, the moment when the year comes into bloom. I know this might not be apparent in Canada and suchlike airts, but still. You should have left them to the Indians. As the beginning of the year of fertility, Easter is a great Goddess festival and was such, long before it was hijacked by Christians. Indeed it was celebrated in ancient Sumer, 7,000 years ago, when the High Priestess would take a young man as consort for the year. We do not know what his fate was at the end of it. Still it is a time of giving thanks, when we should express our gratitude. And so I do. I am grateful firstly for my four wonderful children, without whom my life would have had no real meaning. I am grateful that I am still here myself, with all my faculties intact and even a full head of hair; so I must also thank my Martin forebears, who all went to their graves with luxuriant thatches. (The Flemings are all bald as coots by 40; I am grateful to have avoided that particular gene.)

I am grateful for something else too. I came to the Philippines in December to meet a particular woman, who regular readers might recall. However it was not as I had hoped and on Christmas Day 2015 we parted forever. For some weeks I dated girls here and really enjoyed it. It was like being at college again, only better. As a mature and sophisticated man, I have confidence that I lacked back then. Dating was a real pleasure and had you asked me in early January I would have said that I would have been happy to go on doing it as long as I had breath. But at the end of that month I met a girl — well, she met me, to be honest. And the upshot of that is that now, on this Easter Sunday, I am grateful that I am passionately and completely loved by an incredibly beautiful young woman, with the face of an angel and the body of Botticelli’s Venus rising. She asks nothing of me; I even have to persuade her to go shopping for clothes. All that she asks is that I have time for her and return the love that she so willingly and generously extends to me. And I am very grateful for that. I do not know where this will go but I can tell you that I have never felt so loved by a woman in my life. Any man who, in later life, finds himself alone and yet desires not to be, will discover, as I did, that there are many beautiful women who will make themselves available. Young, glamorous and sexy. And as long as the flow of money towards them is maintained, they will remain so. Some people call these women ‘high maintenance’. But the fact is that not all women are like that at all. And the harpies who preach from the wings about ‘age appropriate’ relationships are wrong. There are no ‘age appropriate’ relationships. There are only people. If you love someone, that’s it. As I wrote in The Warm Pink Jelly Express Train, your soul is as old as the hills and as young as the dawn; and even curmudgeonly old atheists like me have soul, though we know we don’t have souls. So my advice is this: ignore the Politically Correct whingeing of bitter old people whose lives long since ceased to have meaning, who are winding down into their long wait for death and seize the day. Yes, you’ll meet gold-diggers, but even that’s not all that bad, you know. The rewards can be considerable. Even if she only sees you as a way to have a better life, or to provide for the children fathered by another man, that does not mean she won’t be good to you, nor does it mean that you will not enjoy the experience. In the end, she might love you too. Then again you might, just might, run into the real thing, as well: a woman who really loves you, who doesn’t care that the years have taken their toll and who will nurse you when you’re sick. Who never asks for money, and who says her old clothes are fine, she doesn’t need new — but who will be gracious when you insist. Who goes to market and shops thriftily, so that you and she can eat well together without spending a fortune. Who is as happy to stay home and watch a movie as she is to be dined out — as long as she is with you. Who is smart and will talk about religion and philosophy with you, if you so wish; or whatever you want to discuss, because whatever interests you, interests her. Who is so mesmerisingly beautiful that just looking at her brings tears to your eyes, and who refuses to go to sleep at night without caressing your face with her fingertips. Who even, incredibly though it may seem, says she likes to hear you snoring because it reminds her that you are there, beside her, in bed. Who will turn your sexual dreams into reality and enjoy doing so. Who will staunchly defend you against all criticism and be your protectrice in the face of life’s travails. If you are so lucky as to find a woman like this, then I advise you to give thanks. There is no ‘god’ and even the Goddess is a metaphor; but there is love, and it is precious. Happy Easter. And thank you, Jelly.

Rod Fleming on Google+

The post Happy Easter appeared first on Rod Fleming's World.

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Marriage is not as simple as they want you to think

Human pair-bonding can be one of the most satisfying and awe-inspiring experiences available to us. The feelings of love, closeness and complicity, strengthened by sexual desire and reward, combine the best of what it is to be human.

Together, in the context of the shared adventure of life’s journey, these emotions are even more deeply satisfying. In a good pair-bonded relationship, the couple are not only best friends but also lovers, enjoying the most satisfying fruits of both.

These powerful emotions combine to make a level of intimacy between two people possible that is spiritual in intensity and can indeed last for the lifetime of the partners. Yet the mechanism is much more complex than is often realised. In the first place, there is absolutely no imperative which says that the parties must be of different sex or even gender. Successful, lasting and loving relationships exist between two cis-men, two cis-women, transwomen and cis-men, transwomen and cis-women, transmen and cis-women, between two transgenders and other forms.*

In fact there is as much scope for variety in successful pair-bonding as there is in any other facet of human life. Furthermore, humans can develop sexualised pair-bonds that are lasting and profound, but not necessarily exclusive; this occurs in extant polyamorous cultures – which have survived despite centuries and more of oppression by the patriarchy – all over the world.

Thus it is quite possible for both women and men to have pair-bonds with several others at once, of any sex or gender. Over a lifetime this becomes even more complicated. Same-sex, same gender and multiple, concurrent sexualised bonding models are all completely viable and all, as seen where they continue to exist, provide for the birth and raising of children, and the successful management of society. In many cultures such models have endured for hundreds or even thousands of years and are probably as old as humanity.

Formalised marriage ceremonies are not necessarily a bad thing and the steps taken in more enlightened parts of the world to overturn the old patriarchal model and allow for so-called ‘same sex’ marriages has clearly made many, including me, very happy. As long as the rights of both individuals are equal and protected and it is possible for either party to end the arrangement without excessive cost or social opprobrium, the arrangement can work very well, especially by allowing the couples’ close friends and family to celebrate and support the partnership. In this case the pair-bond comes first and is always the most important factor; so if the couple, for whatever reason, falls out of love, then the marriage can end so that they may move on.

However, the patriarchal marriage – the one that we are used to and was exclusively the case until the last few years – is not a voluntary union between two equals, which exists out of the mutual love of the parties, but one in which a woman is possessed by a man. The patriarchal marriage prescribes exactly who is allowed to enter into a pair-bond and invariably reduces this to one man and one or more women. This is so pervasive that we need to make the point again: heterosexual and exclusive pair bonds are neither the only ones available nor are they intrinsically ‘better’ than any other. They just conform to the patriarchy’s model of social domination.

Essentially, the patriarchy has done the same to human pair-bonding as patriarchal religions have to our sense of wonder at the natural world. It has appropriated positive emotions and perverted them to its ends, such that only pair-bonding of the type it arbitrarily permits is sanctioned. It then goes further and attempts to eradicate all other forms of bonding, through violence, murder, patriarchal law and relentless peer pressure.

The patriarchy sets out not only to prescribe with whom we are allowed to fall in love, but how we are permitted to express that love. It makes certain expressions of intimacy taboo or illegal– for example, public sex, kissing and, in some cultures, even holding hands. It restricts how couples – even those it accepts as ‘legitimate’ – may have sex and has a long history of making laws proscribing anal and oral sex, even within the privacy of the bedroom.

It produces religious nonsense, bogus philosophy and pseudo-science to pretend that it has a case; yet none of it is true: there is no one ‘correct’ form of pair bond, and no form of consenting sex is any less ‘natural’ than any other.

By appropriating and perverting something so fundamentally human, so profoundly beautiful and so powerful to its own ends, the patriarchy uses the human pair bond to enforce its control over society. It is a telling example of the wickedness at the heart of the patriarchy.

The issues discussed here will be explored more fully in ‘Why Men Made God’, co-authored with Karis Burkowski, which is scheduled for publication on 1 May 2015

* The term cis refers to a person of particular birth sex who presents in a gender role usually thought to be conforming to that, or gender-normative. Thus a cis-woman is a person of female birth genitalia who is a woman. This differentiates her from a transwoman, a person of male birth genitalia who is a woman. The inverse applies to cis and trans men.

Rod Fleming on Google+

The post Marriage is not as simple as they want you to think appeared first on Rod Fleming's World.

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Happy New Year!

Happy New Year 2015! I try not to write about myself too much, but this seems a perfect excuse.

2014 got off to the worst start imaginable. I broke with my lovely girlfriend, Crissy José, in a stupid disagreement that was entirely my fault. (I mentioned this in an earlier post). I had very little money and I was totally depressed. My world shrank and I turned inwards. I was emotionally gutted and actually in a very vulnerable condition.

Two events saved me. Well, three, but more of that later. In the first, my neighbour, a lovely woman who has always been very kind to me and my family, asked me if I would put some of my house-restoration skills to work on her house. She has a traditional fermette, and like all of these, the original space for humans was tiny. She ha already converted another outbuilding and her a stable into a nice letting apartment, but the barn was very big and as she has got older, it was clearly getting more difficult for her to do these things herself.

I would not usually take work like that, but I needed something. That work not only made me fitter, leaner and stronger, it focussed me again. The project is still unfinished but it looks positive and several others have come into view.

The second event of huge importance was that I met, through a Facebook Group, a person who was to become central to my life. She is known as Karis Burkowski and half in jest I sent her a copy of French Onion Soup . She liked it and made very positive comments, so I asked if she would help with a writing project I was stuck with. I thought she might do some editing and maybe give me some direction.

However, what actually happened was remarkable. After a hesitant beginning, the whole arrangement just clicked into place, and Karis became so much part of the project that she is now the co-author. The book is called Why Men Made God and we are currently working through the last draft (of over 40). This is the best working relationship I have ever had with another professional and I will be forever in Karis’ debt. She has improved Why Men Made God by orders of magnitude, and we are planning future projects together. Not only is she co-author, but she has also become my business partner.

Between these two projects I was really busy, but at the same time rediscovered some of my energy. It’s funny how the more work I have, the stronger and more energetic I become. My daughter Charis came to visit for three weeks and that was lovely, as it always is. I tackled some of the work that needed to be done to my house, including some roof repairs and replacing a rotten lintol over the barn. My next Onion Soup project, while slow, also progressed.

I even managed to find time for romance. I met a few girls online and chatted with them. But each, after a few weeks, just faded. Then I met a girl through Facebook and it seemed more serious. She was very nice, and eventually we decided to meet. This prompted me to book an extended break in the Philippines, where I am now (and where Crissy lives, by the way.) This seemed like a decent plan in any case. I know a lot of people here now so I was pretty relaxed, and it gave me the time to really concentrate on finishing Why Men Made God.

So I rented an apartment in Taguig, Manila. I flew into NAIA (pronounced ‘na-eeyah’) on the 15th and within three days I had broken with the girl. It just was not right. Another Facebook friend contacted me, and I had a couple of dates with her. She is beautiful, charming and affectionate; but I knew it was all wrong, though I could not tell why. I met another and also knew, right away, that this was never going to work. I learned that knowing someone online is not like knowing that person ‘in real’.

I had almost given up when I went back on the site where I first met Crissy. It’s a dating site and I hadn’t used it for ages. She was still on it and was obviously active, since her photo popped up quickly. The funny thing was, I almost didn’t message her. But I did, not really expecting her to reply. That was on Christmas Day.

So I was pretty impressed when, the day after, she replied. She was a little critical but I know her very well, she had been wronged and was not letting me away with it easily. But still, she wanted to meet.

We met on the 30th, four days later. I offered to take her for dinner at the Market! Market! mall near here at 6:30. I wasn’t really apprehensive, though I did ask myself if this was really a good idea. (I’m sure she did too.) I took a jeepney to the mall and reloaded my pocket wi-fi, hit the ATM and then went to the agreed meeting place. Naturally, Crissy was late so I had time to get scared but I didn’t. I just thought it would be two good friends meeting after a long time apart.

Crissy just appeared beside me without a word. She was obviously nervous. She made no display of greeting, just led me towards Giligan’s, a popular restaurant. But it was full, and I suggested another; this was too bright, said she. So we settled on Gerry’s Grill at her suggestion.

Crissy can often be insecure and I have to be gentle with her, and respect her need for space. I am sure meeting me had been stressing for her. Seated, and with the table between us, she was in a space she could control so she relaxed and I saw her for the first time.

She was more beautiful than before, perhaps a little slimmer. She seemed more self-assured and confident in herself, and actually more mature. She had changed, and as far as I could see, in good ways. Still I was not expecting anything. I had broken with her and counted it an honour and a privilege that she had even agreed to meet. This was just friends.

But slowly, as the evening progressed, that changed. Because the music was deafening, I moved to sit behind her, and very soon had my arm round her. She didn’t flinch or move away and even when I asked she just shook her head and said it was fine. But I knew that she knew what was happening, and felt it too. ‘I never expected this,’ she said, several times, without any reproach, just wonder.

Around about then, the door opened, or the lid came off. The lid on the Pandora’s Box that I had locked Crissy into. The door on all my lies and self-deception. The window that showed the truth. I am completely in love with this most beautiful person, and had been all along. Denying it was just stupid and futile. This feeling is just too strong.

The situation I was in became crystal clear. The other girls I dated never had any chance at all. I could chat online, but as soon as they were before me, real, my entire emotional system rejected them the way that white cells reject a virus. There was just no room in my heart for any of them, because Crissy – or at least the ghost of Crissy – was in there already, and that ghost was allowing no competition.

After dinner she wanted to buy a cake, for New Year, so we found a bakery. It was like old times, arm in arm, close, touching. It was absolutely exhilarating and her perfume was actually making me dizzy. I bought the cake, and then we found her a taxi. She had to get it home, she explained, it was an ice-cream cake, and it would melt. Manila in December is not like Paris. I asked for a kiss and she willingly gave one, just a nice friendly kiss.

Then something happened; I opened the taxi door and as she got in I leaned close to her ear and the truth finally came out: ‘I love you’ I breathed. I hadn’t meant to say that, but I was no longer in control. My heart, which had successfully and so loyally defended Crissy’s right to be there, was back in control and it was not about to put up with any more of my crass self-deception.

I was in shock. I came home to the apartment in a jeep – and collapsed on the bed. I don’t know what was worst – the shame at how I had wronged someone so profoundly decent, and whom I love so much, the stupidity of having lied to myself for so long, or the way I had – without meaning to, hurt others during a year of total untruth. Every wrong I had committed against my love I reviewed and every time I felt the agony of recrimination. It was a difficult night and I slept very little.

On the evening, just over two years ago, when Crissy and I fell in love, we were in the Red Coconut Bar in Station Two on Boracay. At one point I looked up and saw a bright green lizard on the wall. I had never seen one like it before, and have not since. Not till that night, after I got back from meeting Crissy, anyway. I went to brush my teeth, and there in front of me was a little bright green lizard on the wall. By the time I got my camera, it had gone. I am pretty hard-boiled, but that shook me; I was wide open to the Universe by then and strange things that only shamans understand happen at times like that.

I didn’t and don’t know what will happen. Crissy and I need to talk, seriously, about us and the future. I don’t know if she will ever trust me as she did before. But what I do know is that I will never, ever, deceive myself as I have again. That is why I am writing this, so that I never forget this lesson.

Never, ever, take anyone for granted. And if you love someone, never, ever, deny it. Make them the centre of your life and meet all challenges together. Love will cure anything. But you have to let it. Remember that you don’t often get second chances. Don’t waste them. Especially in something so important as love. These are the things 2014 taught me.

For 2015 I have very high hopes. I hope that Why Men Made God is as well-received as it deserves to be. I hope my kids do well and are safe and healthy and enjoy their lives. And I hope that I can repair the damage I did and that the most wonderful person in my world will regain her trust and faith in me, and that we can go into the future together.

And I wish anyone reading this all the very best for 2015 and that their dreams come true. Happy New Year!

Rod Fleming on Google+

The post Happy New Year! appeared first on Rod Fleming's World.

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[caption id="attachment_1197" align="alignleft" width="224"] Pic: Rod Fleming[/caption]

On the end of an affair

Well, there it is; for the last fourteen months I was very much involved with someone, and now I’m not. It’s interesting to examine the feelings one has at times like this. Of course I grieve for the loss of love—and it was love, mutually—but at the same time I am aware that I am once again a free agent, faced, again, with the same choices. So how will I choose?

Buddha taught that all suffering is caused by attachment, and that is of course true; it is axiomatic.